Feels Like Dead

There are days that I feel so down . I can't understand why . I think that I am hurt but I don't feel it . So it kept me wondering what is it in me that makes me feel all gloomy inside . Is it because I am alone ? Is it because I haven't felt LOVE ?

Can my cold cold heart make me feel this way ?

As I cut through my flesh and let my blood flow out of my slashes , I FELT PEACE . I felt . That's it . I realized I CAN FEEL . I'm not numb . When I see the blood drip to my floor , it feels like my emotions would follow it . Drip drip drip . Then later on I feel alive again . But as days go by , my cuts felt different . I became used to it . 

I cannot think of any other way for me to FEEL AGAIN , to make me feel alive again . Then an idea hit me . I just had to cut in deeper . So I did . Every cut had become deeper than the other . I cut my wrist , I cut my arm , I cut my leg . But it's useless . I cannot feel it anymore . I'm as good as dead . 

I can't stop it anymore . I'd cut myself everywhere but NOTHING FEELS pain anymore . I'm longing for the feeling of sensational pain . I'm longing for that feeling that my body gets from every cut . It's not that pleasurable anymore . I got used to it and now I am back to square one . 

Then I saw a knife . My hand itched as I see it's blade shining . So I took it and for the last time . I CUT MY WRIST as DEEP as I CAN . I didn't feel the blade . But I feel all these blood dripping down the floor as I walked back to my room . 

Then I felt dizzy . Darkness surrounded me . From then I knew nothing will be the same . I just let my body as it fell on the floor . I started to breath slowly and deeply . Until I reached that feeling that this is my last cut . I had to feel my death .
And maybe , just maybe . If somebody sees me lying dead on the floor . Would rescue me and revive me , then maybe my second life wouldn't be so lonely . 

But I hoped not . 

I hoped that NOBODY rescues me . NOBODY revives me . Just leave me lying .

Cold , pale and DEAD . 

At least I don't have to feel so lonely again .